i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
