watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Brb crying the tears of my youth
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