the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
