Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
