Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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