literally had 100 drinks last night.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
