i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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