it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
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