My sheets look like a crime scene.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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