9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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