I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
