Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
