i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize
