Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
