I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
