I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
