can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
sex in a hospital.. check
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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