Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
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I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
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There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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