it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
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The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
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Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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