just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
