Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Sorry my hands just texted you
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Randomize
