Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
