The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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