you traded sex for a burrito?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Randomize
