the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
