Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
