If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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