You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
