I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Randomize
