pop tarts are not kleenex
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
