if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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