I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Randomize
