Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
