You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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