in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
