Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
