If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
