There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
