You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Pants are for mortals
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
