every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
