the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
it's great music for shaving your balls
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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