My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
