new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
