I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
