how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
