Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
