The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
