I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
