i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Randomize
