when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
