it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
