I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Randomize
