I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
