I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Randomize
