god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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