We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
