Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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