im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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